I love summer blockbusters. I really do, and not in an ironic way, either. The big-budget movies that blast their way into theaters right around the movie doldrums — April, I’m looking at you — are simple, and delightful in their simplicity. There are good guys. There are bad guys. Occasionally, Zac Efron shows up shirtless. (This will happen this summer in the reboot of Baywatch. Do with that information what you will.) Cars explode, one character enjoys a surplus of twee one-liners, and we all sleep easy that night, reassured that American cinema is just as obnoxious as it’s always been.
What I’m trying to say is, the summer blockbuster is the film version of a one night stand. For just one night — or 2-plus hours — you get to enjoy yourself without thinking of things like narrative coherence or plausibility. When it’s all over, you get to forget about it. (Mostly.) The best summer blockbusters help you feel a sort of seasonal catharsis, a cleansing of the cinema intellect so that you’re calm by the time the heady films arrive in October.
So, there’s no commitment involved in watching a blockbuster. But reading about them and following all the hype can be exhausting. (When did it become tradition to release four different trailers for a movie?) For your convenience, I’ve summarized the blockbusters coming out this summer. For your convenience and my pleasure, I’ve summarized the upcoming summer blockbusters in haiku form. That’s right — each film gets 17 syllables of description. No more, no less. No florid adjectives and no excessive use of the word “mind-blowing.” Read them, enjoy them, and get the eff ready for summer.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Feat: Charlie Hunnam, Jude,
Eric Bana, and that
guy from “Game Of Thrones.”
Release Date: May 12, 2017
Snatched
Amy Schumer and
Goldie Hawn get kidnapped in
Mexico — Funny?
Release Date: May 12, 2017
Alien: Covenant
Ridley Scott reboots
that movie with creepy-crawly
space creatures in chests.
Release Date: May 19, 2017
Baywatch
Turns out, life guards lead
Really glamorous lives and
Actually have fun.
Release Date: May 26, 2017
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Javier Bardem
in a tale of Jack Sparrow,
his kid, and pirates.
Release Date: May 26, 2017
Wonder Woman
Amazon princess,
one shield, a sword, and spandex —
Pretty wondrous, no?
Release Date: June 2, 2017
The Mummy
Tom Cruise awakens
a vengeful mummy lady
and terror ensues.
Release Date: June 9, 2017
Rough Night
Scarlett Johansson
(and squad) accidentally
kills a stripper — Oof.
Release Date: June 16, 2017
Transformers: The Last Knight
Surprise: girl power
and massive fighting robots
are great complements!
Release Date: June 23, 2017
Spider-Man: Homecoming
Wait — Is Zendaya
In this movie or not? It’s
Unclear and doubtful.
Release Date: July 6, 2017
War for the Planet of the Apes
It’s the apes versus
Woody Harrelson in a
CGI battle.
Release Date: July 14, 2017
Girls Trip
Exactly as it sounds —
Girls head to New Orleans and
silliness ensues!
Release Date: July 21, 2017
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Here be liberal
use of Green screen plus Cara
Delevingne and boy.
Release Date: July 21, 2017
Baby Driver
Billed as an “action
Musical” and, truth be told,
All you need to know.
Release Date: June 28, 2017
Tulip Fever
Shakespeare in Love, but
for people who hated that
movie anyway.
Release Date: August 25, 2017
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